Since I was in high school, having a boyfriend meant you were normal. Normal girls talked to guys on the phone, had a bunch of different guys they were juggling, never paid for a nice dinner. Normal girls always had some drama going on, always had to talk to a guy about her feelings, always had some crazy story to tell about how a guy did her wrong. I’ve never been a normal girl. I can count on one hand how many boyfriends I’ve had and how many dates I’ve been on. At my age now, it’s kind of pathetic. People I went to high school with are getting engaged and having babies. And I can’t get a date. But now I’m thinking maybe I don’t want a date.
I’ll admit that I’m not out there actively looking. I’ve tried the online dating thing but it grosses me out. I stay on the site for maybe a month and then delete my account. Friends have tried to set me up on a blind date and I refuse no matter what. The thought of going on a date with a stranger scares the hell out of me. The thought of going out on a date scares me period. It’s getting to the point where I’m starting to think that I’m going to be one of those women who are just single forever. No kids, no husband, but a full life. It’s not how I want to end up. I want to get out there and find that perfect man – but now is not the right time. I have a lot of work to do.
I firmly believe that the best way to bring positivity and good changes in to your life is to love yourself. Be confident in who you are, walk with your head held high, know you’re loveable and likeable no matter what. I am not there yet. Not even close. And I think that is the main reason why there’s no relationship in my life. If I can’t imagine a guy falling in love with me, it won’t happen. If I can’t believe someone really likes me, no one will. I have to get to that place where I believe that I’m worthy of love and no man is going to do that for me. That’s work I have to do on my own. I know I will get there eventually, but it will take time.
I’m not one of those girls who needs to get married by a certain age. Getting married and having kids in the future is the last thing I’m thinking about right now. What I’m focusing on is finishing school, finding a full time job, moving out of my mother’s house, getting my books published and finding my way to NYC. That’s a lot to deal with. Finding a boyfriend isn’t a priority.
Of course it would be great if the perfect guy showed up in my life and swept me off my feet. For so many years I’ve walked around feeling abnormal because I don’t date and my dating experiences are so limited. I’m at a place now where I’m okay. I accept that there’s no man in my life and it’s not because I’m desperately out there looking. It’s because I have to work on me.
I can hold my head up and say I’m not in a relationship. No shame.